Diary Of A Snow Day

If my kids wrote a diary of a snow day, it might look something like this...

Night before snow storm:
6:00pm-Watched TV news with my parents.  Wow, these news people sure are funny.  They have reporters all over the state standing around in the rain.  But I guess when you're an adult, you come to appreciate this kind of hard-hitting journalism. 

8:30pm-Tried lobbying my parents to stay up later since we'd have no school.  No dice.  They shot us down for 2 reasons:  1)  There was only two inches so far and snow days are never a sure thing until they're official.    2)  They were getting ready to watch Modern Family starring Sofia Vergara.  I thought she just did commercials.

6:30am-I came downstairs and my Dad was working at the kitchen table (if you call what he does work.) He told me it was a snow day.  I pumped my fist and said "yes!!!"  I told him my friend Justin had just won a $10 bet to one of his teachers about the snow.  He seemed to wonder if the teacher would really pay Justin.

8:30am-Time to get out and enjoy the snow.  There's so much to do.  Shoveling, building a sled ramp, throwing snowballs, riding my bike into massive snowbanks, catching snowflakes on my tongue, building a snow fort, and riding my scooter into massive snowbanks.

8:35am-I'm bored. I think I'll see if my friend wants to join me. 

8:36am-(All with my friend) Time to get out and enjoy the snow.  There's so much to do.  Shoveling, building a sled ramp, throwing snowballs, riding my bike into massive snowbanks, catching snowflakes on my tongue, building a snow fort, and riding my scooter into massive snowbanks. 

12 Noon-Lunch with friends from the neighborhood.  Today's menu: 6 bowls of Macaroni and cheese and hot chocolate, plus whatever everyone else is having.  One of my friends comments about how great it is to sit, relax, and enjoy a hot fresh meal and conversation with friends. School lunches are so rushed.  This is more like it.  Wow, sometimes I wonder if we're kids or adults.  That seems kind of wise beyond our years.

1pm-Back to doing stuff outside. Mom helps my friends and I shovel the driveway so my Dad can relax when he gets home.  And by relax, I mean fall asleep at 7pm becasue he's up so early working, blogging, and whatever else he does.

2:30pm-Baking chocolate brownie/peanut butter cookies with Mom.  There's math involved, so at least I'm getting some education and I don't feel bad about missing school.

6pm-Dad's home.  He says "Wow, that's great.  You guys already have your pajammas on."  We tell Dad that we've had them on all day.  That's the unwritten law of a snow day.

7pm-Time to wind down for the night with some TV watching as a family.  Hey, there's that Sofia Vergara lady in a commercial again. 

Snow days rule.

ABB (Anybody but Billy)

Billy Crystal is hosting the Oscars. Yawn. Obviously, he gets ratings or they wouldn't have him back. But count me in the minority of people who like their entertainment a little edgier and a little more honest.

And by honest I mean, c'mon, let's be honest: Anyone at the Oscars is lucky to be there. Sure, acting is tough work and a serious craft, but anyone who does it for a living should understand the privilege of getting gobs of money and fame for it. An awards show should celebrate the hard work of making movies. Key word: celebrate. Read: Have fun. Stop being so serious at the show. It's a party.

Sure, Billy Crystal's opening sequences are the stuff of legends. But after that, it's back to vanilla vaudeville jokes. The Oscars I loved featured people like David Letterman (Uma-Oprah,)  Steve Martin (Everyone here is gay,) Steve Martin with Alec Baldwin, Ellen DeGeneres, Jon Stewart, and Chris Rock.

People with a little more depth, a little more edge, and yes, people that aren't so serious.  Maybe some of their jokes made a few people uncomfortable, but they were funny.  They were entertaining...and they were JOKES.  Tell the actors and actresses who got upset to go home and cry on their bags of money.  And let us peasants be entertained between self-indulgent speeches instead of hearing jokes out of a yard sale joke book.

So, dear Oscar, for your consideration, next year give us ABB (anybody but Billy)  And maybe not James Franco and Anne Hathaway, either.

Confessions of A Sick Mind

Are you a cruise person? I've recently been back and forth with a couple people about cruises. I'm not a cruise person. Another recent outbreak of the norovirus, the Italian cruise ship disaster, and wanting to be AWAY from people on vacation rather than sitting at the buffet with them for a week and a half keeps me from going on a cruise. And I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

It got me to thinking about other things I've never done...and don't really regret.

Well, I never....

Saw Top Gun. I came of age in the 80's and missed this movie? How did this happen? Not sure, but I've made it this far and seem to be fine. And maybe I'm just not that excited about seeing Tom Cruise and the Lewis from Revenge Of The Nerds doing a duet.

Watched an entire episode of American Idol. Even Steven Tyler (very cool) and J-Lo (easy on the eyes) isn't sealing the deal for me. But if Ryan Seacrest wants to hire me as a writer for his new TV empire, I would let his people talk to mine.

Liked Fraiser. Seriously. As soon as they took him out of the bar, he was annoying and not funny. If I want an old show about a radio station that's actually funny, I'll take WKRP, thank you. (Don't ask me why I bring up either of these shows in 2012.)

Went To Vegas. It looks fun in the Hangover and Oceans 11, 12, 13 and 99, but I'd be nervous it would end up like in Casino or 21. Maybe I'll go someday, but my list has other places I'd rather see first. And if I want to inhale that much smoke, I'll go to Europe. The landscape is nicer there.



Played Golf. I know, right? Don't get me wrong. I love walking, drinking all day and breathing fresh air. I just like doing it on my own time. I know some people use golf to get away from their family for a few hours, but I happen to love spending time with my family.  Just not in a buffet line at sea. 

A Super Bowl Watcher Looks At 43

                             Observations of a 43 year-old Super Bowl watcher. Then and Now.

Ouch.  I'm too old for this.

Then: About 20 people (mostly dudes) drinking lots of beer, and having some chips.

Now: About 10 Moms and Dads eating lots of food, and barely having room to choke down a beer.

Then: Floor in front of TV is full of coolers.

Now: Floor in front of TV is full of kids spread out on pillows and blankets.

Then: Spent a week's pay on pre-game poker games, squares pools, and bets with some guy's uncle's friend who knows a guy (whom you never meet.)

Now: Spent $10 on a square pool and showing your kids the glamour of losing your money in a completely random system.

Then: The halftime show was Bud Bowl, one of the biggest phenomenons of 1987.

Now: The halftime show was Madonna, one of the biggest phenomenons of 1987.

Then: You don't want to be around some of your friends when they've had too much to drink (Beer)

Now: You don't want to be around some of your kids when they've had too much to drink (Soda)

Then: When the game ends you think "I'll stick around for a couple after the game. It's early."

Now: When the game ends you think: "If I leave right this minute, I can get exactly 6 hours of sleep. I'll be slow tomorrow, but I'm nuts like that."

Then: I love commercials with babes.

Now: I love commercials with monkeys.

Then: Great food, great beer, great friends, great time, great memories.

Now: Great food, great beer, great friends, great time, great memories.

Real Men Of Genius

Remember those awesome Bud Light radio commercials that sang about "Real Men Of

Genius?" 

Here's one going out to my friends and neighbors in Westborough.   Luckily for you, I'm not singing it, I just wrote it. So sing along to this. (and thanks to Michael Coughlin for letting me use his picture.)

Ken West salutes Real Men Of Genius

(Sung:) Real Men Of Genius

Today we salute you, Mr. Hockey Rink In Your Backyard.

(Sung:) Mr. Hockey Rink In Your Backyard

Armed with wood, plastic, and 10,000 gallons of town water, you build your version of the miracle on ice.

(Sung: ) All we need is a Zamboni

And when it snows, after an hour of back-breaking in the driveway, you gotta clear the rink before it freezes.

(Sung:) Who's got a crane to lift my snowblower over the wall?

And if the temperature rises above 32 degrees? The whole neighborhood is sad to see what looks like a pool that should have been closed a month ago.

(Sung:) Stupid Global warming

So, Mr. Hockey Rink In Your Backyard, grab your skates, a stick, a puck and enjoy all your hard work, I'll be drinking something warm inside.

(Sung:) Mr. Hockey Rink In Your Backyard

Ken West blogs, Westborough, USA.

Disclaimer: This is not a slam. It's supposed to be fun. I'm in awe of these guys, I'm just glad I don't have to do it.

May You Stay Forever Lazy

Happy 2012!!  According to "them," this is the year the world ends. I don't know who "them" refers to, and if you read this blog regularly, you know I'm not going to research it. I'm not sure I believe "them," but if the world ends, I'd like to see it. Then, in the afterlife, I could try to one-up the dinosaurs about whose demise was more spectacular.

Although we'll never know until it comes, I think the end is actually closer than we think. Why? Well, for one, the Forever Lazy  (click the link to watch.) For those who thought the "snuggie" was too stylish, we have this ridiculous thing. Seriously, when I first saw this commercial, I thought it was an SNL sketch. But it's only 2 minutes long, about 9 minutes too short to be an SNL sketch.

To my friends and family: If you ever see me wearing one of these, please alert the authorities. "They've" obviously given me a Charlton Heston "Planet Of The Apes" brain slice and put this on me. And seriously, if everyone was like all the people in this commercial, don't we deserve to have the world end?

Have a great 2012, if "they" let you.

What Childs Are These?

Anyone with kids knows you get whiplash watching time go by so quickly. Christmas is a perfect example. You look at old pictures, you watch old videos and say "Wow, look how LITTLE they were."  We've discovered another way we realize our kids are growing up. Their reaction to Christmas music.

They've gone from cutely singing in the back seat of the car and all over the house (sometimes even on multiple radios in multiple rooms-- we're old school like that) to this....

First, they're not afraid to give "thumbs down." Here are some comments I've heard this year:

• -"I'm glad she finds Christmas at the end, but this song makes you think Christmas is a bad thing." (Where Are You Christmas?-Faith Hill)
• -"This song's growing on me, but I still don't really think it sounds like a Christmas song." (God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen-Barenaked Ladies with Sara McLaughlin.)
• -"Oh, no, not the Carpenters. Hey, Carpenters, you're bringing me down. It's Christmas. Be happy!" (Merry Christmas Darling-Carpenters)
• -"This song started off OK, but it's going downhill fast." (Winter Wonderland-Johnny Mathis)

They've also added their "creativity" to these time-honored classics. Try these lyrics to Wham's Last Christmas:

"Last Christmas I gave you my fart, but the very next year, you smelled it again. This year, to save you from fainting, I'll give you some Fabreze freshener, freshener."

Or sing "Burgers and Fries" to the hypnotic chorus of "Carol Of The Bells." Then, add in descriptions of Five Guys wherever they fit throughout the rest of the song. The bad news is I might be getting a call from school. The good news is, no need for a paternity test: they're definitely mine.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, and Happy whatever else makes your family come together and smile. Thanks for reading my blog. I hope to write more of them next year (and get some Fabreeze freshener, freshener.)