What Childs Are These?

Anyone with kids knows you get whiplash watching time go by so quickly. Christmas is a perfect example. You look at old pictures, you watch old videos and say "Wow, look how LITTLE they were."  We've discovered another way we realize our kids are growing up. Their reaction to Christmas music.

They've gone from cutely singing in the back seat of the car and all over the house (sometimes even on multiple radios in multiple rooms-- we're old school like that) to this....

First, they're not afraid to give "thumbs down." Here are some comments I've heard this year:

• -"I'm glad she finds Christmas at the end, but this song makes you think Christmas is a bad thing." (Where Are You Christmas?-Faith Hill)
• -"This song's growing on me, but I still don't really think it sounds like a Christmas song." (God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen-Barenaked Ladies with Sara McLaughlin.)
• -"Oh, no, not the Carpenters. Hey, Carpenters, you're bringing me down. It's Christmas. Be happy!" (Merry Christmas Darling-Carpenters)
• -"This song started off OK, but it's going downhill fast." (Winter Wonderland-Johnny Mathis)

They've also added their "creativity" to these time-honored classics. Try these lyrics to Wham's Last Christmas:

"Last Christmas I gave you my fart, but the very next year, you smelled it again. This year, to save you from fainting, I'll give you some Fabreze freshener, freshener."

Or sing "Burgers and Fries" to the hypnotic chorus of "Carol Of The Bells." Then, add in descriptions of Five Guys wherever they fit throughout the rest of the song. The bad news is I might be getting a call from school. The good news is, no need for a paternity test: they're definitely mine.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, and Happy whatever else makes your family come together and smile. Thanks for reading my blog. I hope to write more of them next year (and get some Fabreeze freshener, freshener.)

The 37' Wall

There's a rumor that Roger Waters might bring his tour of "The Wall" to Fenway Park. This is good news and bad news. First the good news:  "The Wall" Tour is AMAZING. More than a concert, it's performance art at its finest. I highly recommend it. The bad news: The concert is at Fenway Park.

(Jumps up on soapbox)  Rock concerts should not be staged at Fenway Park. Period.

I have seen several concerts at Fenway Park and trust me, the word "seen" is a stretch. Oh sure, it's cool to say "I saw (fill in artist that would make people who've never seen a show there say 'Wow, you're lucky'" here.) But if you attend concerts to listen to music and watch musicians play, Fenway Park is not your place.

Let's start with the sound. Fenway Park was built in 1912 for baseball, and certainly not with 21st century rock concert acoustics in mind.  Do you know how many concerts were happening in 1912? The only one I can think of involved a noble band refusing to stop playing aboard a sinking ship. And frankly, that band probably sounded much better than any concert at Fenway because they were playing for an audience that could actually see and hear them.

And what about seeing the concert? At Fenway, you can't see anything unless you're in the first 20 rows on the field. Most of the other seats are a) not facing the stage b) several hundred feet away from the stage c) behind poles. Those poles are annoying at baseball games, but only during certain plays. But at concerts, if you're behind a pole, that's your view for the entire night, a bummer if you came to check out how well Donnie and the other kids have aged.

And if you go to a concert with an "intermission," (of which The Wall is one, BTW,) good luck venturing out of your seat to hit the bathrooms and/or get a beer, t-shirt, or hot dog. It's like a rain delay on steroids. EVERYONE crams into the tunnels of Fenway at once. But unlike a game, you have the extra thousand or so people from the field seats joining you. Howdy, neighbor! Nice to meet you!

I'm not trying to stop anyone from going to Fenway concerts. Obviously, they're selling just fine, so I guess I'm in the minority. But count me in as someone who thinks, much like Fenway's old urinal troughs, the idea is much nicer than the actual experience.

In A New York State Of Blog

As a life-long Massachusettsian (not a real word,) I have obviously always chosen Boston in the never-ending (and frankly, sometimes nauseating) "New York vs Boston" battle. I've got a confession to make... and since we're all friends in this blog space, please don't laugh: I've always been a little intimidated by some aspects of New York, especially compared to Boston. I found it way too fast, way too big, and way too "mean." But in the last few months, I've taken a few trips to the Big Apple (I call it this because no one in New York calls it the Big Apple, just like no one in Boston calls it Beantown) and have really enjoyed it.

Here are some observations.

-New Yorkers are nice! I saw one person hold a door for someone, I saw a customer telling a deli worker he felt bad for her because it was so hot, and I saw someone chase down a fellow pedestrian at a crosswalk to give them a paper that fell out of their backpack.

-(This one is from my son, Colin) "New York has a lot of smells." Yep. Tons of them. Some good, some not.

-The word "Brunch" on a menu means you can drink unlimited mimosas for a couple of hours. This is not a joke. It happened to me (Thanks Kimmy!)

-Times Square is a complete assault on your senses and may cause blindness. But where else can you see people watching the Women's World Cup Soccer game on a big screen from bleachers? The streets were lined with people (including cops) stopped to watch and cheer on the U.S.

-There are tons of people in the Port Authority Bus terminal to help you find your bus. None of them actually work for the Port Authority.

-New Yorkers are proud of their city. This is hard to explain and quantify, but you can feel it. You can see it in people's faces. And it's contagious.    We should all be this proud.

-There is no concert venue better than Madison Square Garden.  When that place roars, chills run up and down your spine.   

Let's not get crazy.  I still hate the Yankees and prefer the historical charm of Boston's many neighborhoods.

But I wish Bostonians could be like New Yorkers in one way: They totally know how to mix pedestrian and vehicle traffic.  It's like a beautiful ballet.  Walkers walk, cars stop.  Cars go, walkers stop.  It's not rocket science.  But in Boston, it's a deathly free-for-all.  Everyone goes at once and swears at each other (which  actually seems very New York like)  So put me on the "I Love New York" bandwagon, or at least the "I Am Not As Intimidated By New York As I Used To Be" bandwagon.        

He Performs This Way

This is my review of a Weird Al Yankovic concert. We've all had experiences with Weird Al.   My kids have recently reignited my interest in Al's music (which I have loved since the 80's.) If you're too lazy to read the whole review, do yourself a favor and find some of his music (recent or classic-it's all good.) I guarantee you'll smile, laugh, and/or just be amazed at his talent.

Weird Al brought serious entertainment to Boston Saturday night. For a guy known for parody and comedy songs, his "Apocalypse" tour is no joke when it comes to showmanship, musicianship, and, yes, laughs. Not just a comedy show, this was a 2-hour 10 minute multi-media good time.

The crowd in the filled-to-capacity Orpheum Theater was rocking, laughing, and singing along from the opening song "Polka Face," a medley of current songs done in true polka style with Al on accordion and videos of the original artists "singing along" above the band.

Then came nearly 20 songs played with exact detail by his excellent 4 piece backing band. These guys have done more than learn parody songs. They transform you into each genre and style, making them musically authentic and true the the original, and adding even more credibility to Al's sharp, smart, and laugh out loud lyrics. There was Rock (Smells Like Nirvana, Canadian Idiot) Pop (Party In The CIA; Perform This Way; E-Bay) and Rap (White and Nerdy; Amish Paradise) Plus some originals tackling pop culture and human nature (TMZ; I Wanna Be Your Lover) Not to mention the multi-song, mid show medley of food songs like My Bologna, Lasagna, Rye Or The Kaiser, to name just a few.

While music was the star of the show, it was only one-third of the entertainment. Al and his band changed costumes before nearly every song. They dressed like Nirvana, The White Stripes, Lady Ga-Ga, The Doors, Amish people, rappers, CIA Agents, lounge singers, safari explorers, Star Wars characters, and, of course, the Michael Jackson "Fat" suit.   And during the costume changes, the crowd was treated to video clips. Some featured Al doing mock interviews with musicians "MTV" style, some featured fake 1950's educational films, and some were hilarious moments from TV shows of the last 20 years making references to Weird Al. These references prove that whether he's the subject of the punch line or the creator of it, Weird Al is one of the best entertainers of our time. He's survived a lot longer than many he has parodied. And he still puts the "show" in "show business," a lesson many can learn from.

Open House...Not YOUR House

Hello Parents. This is not the Principal, just a parent of a child at school Open House. But I have a few announcements to make.

Remember: This is Open House, NOT a conference. Open House gives the faculty a chance to provide a brief overview of curriculum and school procedures to everyone at once in a general, friendly group setting.

You'll notice the faculty repeatedly saying "Call us or e-mail us anytime with questions or concerns." That's a nice way of telling you not to hijack the entire night by asking specific questions about your child. That's why they have e-mail and voice mailboxes. And parent/teacher conferences. Look around. The room is full of other parents. They want to hear about school as a whole, not about your kid specifically. They don't care if your child is ridiculously ahead or behind or needs a special application of sunscreen every 2 hours.

And finally, remember you've been out of school for 20 or 30 years and things have changed. Please stop trying to convince the current faculty and staff to go back to to the 70's and 80's. They don't grade A's, B's, C's and D's anymore. Stop trying to come up with some sort of whack-job Metric/Kelvin/Dewey Decimal/Abacus conversion system to compare grades of today to your grades.  As part of the Open House, the educators actually explain quite clearly what the grades mean. But you have to listen instead of engaging in a back-and-forth that amounts to the equivalent of arguing balls and strikes. They can throw you out of a game for arguing balls and strikes, but unfortunately, that rule has not been extended to Open House.

So enjoy Open House. Meet the teachers. See where your child spends their day. Look at their work. Be proud of them. And if you'd like to argue balls and strikes or ask why your kid isn't in the super-duper class, do it at your Parent/Teacher conference. Just remember, conferences are 30 minutes. There are others waiting too. You teach your kids that there are other people in the world, so you might as well accept that, too.

Blog O' Emma

Here's a guest blog by my daughter, Emma.  The assignment was to write a news article. Enjoy. Feel free to comment.  I told her people actually read this blog.  Don't make me a liar.

 

The Fox By Emma West

In the neighborhood of Hyder Street, The Fox (also known as Foxy Loxy to some of the younger kids) has been sighted many times, almost daily. The Fox is known to have several kits, which are growing up fast. Based on sightings, some of it's features include it's red-orange coat, white belly, black paws and a black nose, pointy ears, and a dash of white on the tip of her tail. "Pretty much your typical fox," says my neighbor, Eric Abeles, 11.

Colin West, 7 had a scary time with this fox. "I was playing in the yard," he says, "and all of the sudden, I heard a rustling in the bushes. I turned around to see what it was, and there was The Fox, it's red orange coat gleaming in the sunlight. It ran across our neighbors' yard, not even 20 feet away from me. I was so scared, I ran inside. I told my mom and sister what happened, and felt a little safer." I asked Colin if he could be sure it was The Fox, and not one of it's kits. "I can't be sure," he says thoughtfully. "I was so terrified, my mind was on getting inside, and quick!"

My friend and neighbor Grace Coughlin and I also had a heart-stopping memory with The Fox. We ride our bikes a lot together a lot, around the block and even down the Assabet trail a little. When we were going up a big hill, a skinny orange four-legged body ran out across our path. We gasped and skidded to a halt. Grace was the one to speak first. "Was that...the fox?!"

"I think so," I said, out of breath from the long bike ride and the scary moment that we had just experienced. We both turned, half-expecting the fox to leap out of the bushes and attack us. We continued our bike ride, but I wasn't fully recovered until I was home, safe and sound.

Some people want to call the police. Others want to contact animal control. Or should we just leave it to live it's life?

Super Bowl Of Dreams

Attention rabid football fans in (fill in your city here.) Please give up on your team now and join us. The dreamers, the believers, the (fill in lofty, poetic noun here.) Mark our words: The Greatest Super Bowl of All-Time will happen this season. C'mon, live the dream with us!

The Buffalo Bills will represent the AFC. And America's team, the Detroit Lions, will represent the NFC. It will be the greatest story ever told. No trash talking, no big egos, no complaining about (fill-in trophy holding team you hate here) being in it again. Just some old-school football played by real football teams from football towns.

Think of it. Who could possibly hate the Lions (except Dallas fans, but who really cares about them?) The Lions have never beaten anyone. I mean ANYONE. And, sure, Buffalo had their chance in the 90's (OK, four chances) but it's Buffalo. They deserve something for enduring 8 months of winter a year (unlike Boston's much more temperate 6-month winters.)

So, go ahead, root for your hopless (fill in team you root for here) and be disappointed. I'll watch the Cinderella story unfold. Two wildly depressing sports teams rise to American glory, single-handedly crushing unemployment, ending the recession, and somehow getting Jersey Shore cancelled. Put your hand on your heart and feel yourself swelling with American Pride.

My DVR Runneth Over

Now that "Curb Your Enthusiasm" (one of the best seasons ever) "Entourage" (not so much) are over, I'm not sure what new TV shows deserve space on my DVR.  Modern Family will be there for sure, and I guess I'll give the Steve Carell-less version of "The Office" a try. Heck, I may even tune into "Two and a Half Men" to see how Charlie Sheen goes from "Duh...Winning" to "Duh...Dead."  But after that, I get a little stressed trying to guess what shows are going to make me appear cool (keyword:  appear.)

There are lots of returning shows that I should watch but don't (It's Always Sunny, CSI Wherever, 30 Rock, Parks & Recreation, Sons Of Anarchy...I could go on.)   My enemy is not the shows. I'm sure they are very good.  My enemy is time.  It's hard to fully engage in a show while you're nodding off and wiping drool off your chin. That is not a quote from my grandmother or a 2 year old, it's from me.  I only get so much time to watch TV before I turn into a pumpkin, so I tend to stick with what I know I like.  And now that my kids stay up and watch a little TV with us before bed (they are addicted to the Food Network and Happy Days-Thank you, Hub) I have an even shorter amount of time to watch.

So, sure, I'd love to check out Pan Am, Up All Night, 2 Broke Girls, The Playboy Club, and Terra Nova.
But I can't watch them all and I can't decide which one(s) are worth it.  At least I can sleep knowing I don't have to bother with Charlie's Angels, whatever that new show with Tim Allen is, and The X-Factor.  And when it's time for bed, the kids can just wipe the drool off my chin and send me up to bed.     

Back To School 70's Style

With kids going back to school everywhere (thousands on Facebook alone, including mine,) I thought I'd share one of my back to school rituals. If you didn't grow up in Chicopee, fill in your local mall/stores here and let the memories come rushing back.

Time to hit the Fairfield Mall.  First, I'll go to the Levi's Store for some "cords." (Kids: "Cords" were corduroy pants. They were later banned due to the friction they created when you walked in them, causing many kids to spontaneously combust.)  Cool, Mom will let me buy 4-5 colors. I'll get black and blue because they match anything. Next, how about green?  They don't actually match anything, but they're dark, so I can fake it.  Now, time for the big guns: cream color and rust color. These look the coolest.

Now, time for my next stop: T-Shirt Express to custom match shirts to these cords.  These days, you go to Target, Wal-Mart, or even BJ's for t-shirts with funny sayings and band logos on them. But a long time ago, you could only get them at T-Shirt Express. This is heaven. Pick your shirt then pick the iron-on decal off the wall.  Hmmm, today I think I'll get That Doors decal on the 3/4 sleeve baseball shirt, the "Wild And Crazy Guy" decal on the yellow t-shirt, and the Gene Simmons solo album cover on black sweatshirt. Nice. This paper route money is coming in handy.   And the smell of those fresh iron on patches...mmmmm.

Well, time to hit Lucas Pizza for a slice before I go to Thom McAn for some sneakers. I hope they have the ones with those cool reflectors on the back.  Or was it Kinney shoes?

Like A Hurricane

To Members Of The Local Media,

I'm so sorry. I didn't listen. Apparently, there was a "hurricane/tropical storm/whatever you call it" this weekend. But I thumbed my nose and refused to believe the hype. I was unprepared, I suffered and it was all my fault.

First, I went to do my shopping Friday but they were out of bread and water. It was traumatic, but I settled for Coke and Doritos. If I had heeded your warning, I would have taken care of the bread and water on Monday, when you first put everyone into a panic. My bad.

I was getting ready for a party Saturday night and it started to rain really hard. This rain punished the region for at least 60 long minutes. I was sure this was the "hurricane/tropical storm/whatever you call it" so I stayed home. I'm glad I didn't risk my life for shrimp the size of my femur and a free concert by Scott Weiland. Later, I saw friends posting pictures from the party and became concerned for their lives. I mean, didn't they know a "hurricane/tropical storm/whatever you call it" was happening? How could they eat, drink, and rock out while the world ended? I looked out the window to see if my yard was gone, and notice the rain had stopped. Wait, this wasn't the "hurricane/tropical storm/whatever you call it?" I should have listened to you, media. I would have known that Saturday night was going to be OK, and Sunday was the day I was going to meet my maker.

I awoke to a rainy, windy, dark Sunday morning. Thinking I was already living on borrowed time, I turned on my TV. You told me the worst was coming from noon 9pm. I felt now I could believe the hype. I kissed my family and braced for the end. Then, the power went out and I knew it was time to face my destiny. At 2pm, as the rain ended, the wind subsided, and the sky brightened, I felt alone. Without power, I couldn't come to you for the accurate information you had provided all week. I was helpless, just waiting to be told what to do. How could I live my life without interviews with people braving the storm? Without the witty banter? Without the warnings, without the fear, and without the non-stop swirly maps? I'm sorry I didn't listen. My weekend was ruined and it was all my own fault. And without power, I'd never know how long my power would be out. If I could only have the power back, I would listen to your every warning. Your every...hey the lights went on. Cool. Think I'll catch up on "Curb."

When Science and Music Collide

I love watching people, especially when it involves music.  Concerts are always an interesting people-watching place, but too many are drunk, so people-watching actually becomes dodging weavers, staggerers, and fighters.  But amusement parks are more family friendly.  They play music over the PA and you can see  (and hear) people singing songs they love.  And many times, the people don't match the song.  Try it.
Here are some sweeping observations about people I've seen reacting to music in public places.  (This is only as scientific as what I can assess while standing in ridiculously long lines.)

EVERYBODY sings along to Train's "Hey Soul Sister:" kids, parents, and beyond.  Love it or hate it, when this song comes on, everyone sings like they're trying out for a musical.

There are some women I don't want to see singing "Pour Some Sugar On Me." I get a picture in my head when I hear it, and it has nothing to do with people in line at the bumper cars.

There was only one guy singing along to REO Speedwagon's "Keep On Loving You." Actually he was the only person, male or female.

I didn't think anyone (except me) still knew the words to the "The Devil Went Down To Georgia."  But then again, I was in New Hampshire.

There sure are a lot of country songs that EVERYONE knows and I don't.  Oh well.  Instead of calling myself "unhip," I'll just call myself "avant garde."

I was definitely the only one singing Rush's "The Spirit Of Radio" and Phish's "Bouncing Around The Room."  And I didn't care if I get mentioned in a blog about 40-somethings who sing along to songs no one knows at amusement parks.

Hello, Larry

Please don't think any less of me, but I LOVE Curb Your Enthusiasm. Does that make me a bad person?
Am I going to Hell because I laugh at it, even though it's totally wrong?

I've spoken to quite a few people who "don't get" the show.  "It's not funny." "Everyone yells all the time."  I agree every line isn't funny.  Since it's improv (Larry and his writers provide an outline and the cast improvs the dialogue,) the comedy needs time to build.  But when it's funny, it's HILARIOUS (and did I mention wrong.)  And yes, they yell a lot.  If you were in any of these situations, you'd be yelling, too.

And the subjects...oh my.  It's the only show that finds comedy in a Girl Scout with a "girl problem," stereotyping lawyers of a certain persuasion, accusing a whole race of being thieves, going out with someone strictly because of enhanced body parts, trying to get out of going to a charity camp for kids, and the Israeli/Palestinian conflict (via a chicken restaurant.)  And those are just this seasons topics.  In the past there have been jokes about wheelchairs, 9-11, and other things you just don't joke about.  YOU don't joke about them...but THEY can somehow.  Larry (and the rest of them) say things you would never say.  But you might think them.  Maybe that's why it's so fun to watch.   

So go ahead and call me crass and mean for watching.  That's fine.  I'll just find some annoying habit you have and get Larry the "Social Assassin" to call you out on it.  And  I'll see you in Hell.

I Hate Tourists...Unless It's Me

I've always wanted to be a Park Ranger. There, I said it. Since vacation season is almost over, let me play Park Ranger and share a destination you should check out.  

It's perfect for families, couples, and even loners who hate people (which I might be if I wasn't part of a couple or didn't have a family.) It's cheap, beautiful, clean, and if you live in Massachusetts, it's not far away.
I'm talking about the Rose Kennedy Greenway in Boston.

As someone who works in Boston, I usually make fun of and/or am annoyed by tourists. But my family has been to Boston twice this summer doing the wicked tourist thing, and we've spent quality time on the Greenway. Everyone who spends any time in Boston should check it out.

Grass, trees, walking paths, water fountains, benches, art installations, statues, and a carousel now sit where the old elevated expressway once was. Gone are the steel girders and ramps that used to block the view of downtown, Faneuil Hall, or the North End (depending on where you are standing.)

I know what you're thinking: "Great, another crowded tourist trap." Not exactly true. There is plenty of room to move without people rubbing up against you like in the North End or Faneuil Hall. Walk (or bike) from the North End to South Station in a series of different parks, all connected. Relax while the traffic goes by you on both sides. Let the kids play in the water fountains. Grab some treats from Modern Pastry or Mike's Pastry (I'm not taking sides in THAT debate) and sit at the tables and people-watch.

Or stop by the booth to buy tickets to the Boston Harbor Islands (another treasure of this city.) Just look for the Park Ranger. He might even look like me. Hey, I can dream can't I?