ABB (Anybody but Billy)

Billy Crystal is hosting the Oscars. Yawn. Obviously, he gets ratings or they wouldn't have him back. But count me in the minority of people who like their entertainment a little edgier and a little more honest.

And by honest I mean, c'mon, let's be honest: Anyone at the Oscars is lucky to be there. Sure, acting is tough work and a serious craft, but anyone who does it for a living should understand the privilege of getting gobs of money and fame for it. An awards show should celebrate the hard work of making movies. Key word: celebrate. Read: Have fun. Stop being so serious at the show. It's a party.

Sure, Billy Crystal's opening sequences are the stuff of legends. But after that, it's back to vanilla vaudeville jokes. The Oscars I loved featured people like David Letterman (Uma-Oprah,)  Steve Martin (Everyone here is gay,) Steve Martin with Alec Baldwin, Ellen DeGeneres, Jon Stewart, and Chris Rock.

People with a little more depth, a little more edge, and yes, people that aren't so serious.  Maybe some of their jokes made a few people uncomfortable, but they were funny.  They were entertaining...and they were JOKES.  Tell the actors and actresses who got upset to go home and cry on their bags of money.  And let us peasants be entertained between self-indulgent speeches instead of hearing jokes out of a yard sale joke book.

So, dear Oscar, for your consideration, next year give us ABB (anybody but Billy)  And maybe not James Franco and Anne Hathaway, either.

Confessions of A Sick Mind

Are you a cruise person? I've recently been back and forth with a couple people about cruises. I'm not a cruise person. Another recent outbreak of the norovirus, the Italian cruise ship disaster, and wanting to be AWAY from people on vacation rather than sitting at the buffet with them for a week and a half keeps me from going on a cruise. And I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

It got me to thinking about other things I've never done...and don't really regret.

Well, I never....

Saw Top Gun. I came of age in the 80's and missed this movie? How did this happen? Not sure, but I've made it this far and seem to be fine. And maybe I'm just not that excited about seeing Tom Cruise and the Lewis from Revenge Of The Nerds doing a duet.

Watched an entire episode of American Idol. Even Steven Tyler (very cool) and J-Lo (easy on the eyes) isn't sealing the deal for me. But if Ryan Seacrest wants to hire me as a writer for his new TV empire, I would let his people talk to mine.

Liked Fraiser. Seriously. As soon as they took him out of the bar, he was annoying and not funny. If I want an old show about a radio station that's actually funny, I'll take WKRP, thank you. (Don't ask me why I bring up either of these shows in 2012.)

Went To Vegas. It looks fun in the Hangover and Oceans 11, 12, 13 and 99, but I'd be nervous it would end up like in Casino or 21. Maybe I'll go someday, but my list has other places I'd rather see first. And if I want to inhale that much smoke, I'll go to Europe. The landscape is nicer there.



Played Golf. I know, right? Don't get me wrong. I love walking, drinking all day and breathing fresh air. I just like doing it on my own time. I know some people use golf to get away from their family for a few hours, but I happen to love spending time with my family.  Just not in a buffet line at sea. 

A Super Bowl Watcher Looks At 43

                             Observations of a 43 year-old Super Bowl watcher. Then and Now.

Ouch.  I'm too old for this.

Then: About 20 people (mostly dudes) drinking lots of beer, and having some chips.

Now: About 10 Moms and Dads eating lots of food, and barely having room to choke down a beer.

Then: Floor in front of TV is full of coolers.

Now: Floor in front of TV is full of kids spread out on pillows and blankets.

Then: Spent a week's pay on pre-game poker games, squares pools, and bets with some guy's uncle's friend who knows a guy (whom you never meet.)

Now: Spent $10 on a square pool and showing your kids the glamour of losing your money in a completely random system.

Then: The halftime show was Bud Bowl, one of the biggest phenomenons of 1987.

Now: The halftime show was Madonna, one of the biggest phenomenons of 1987.

Then: You don't want to be around some of your friends when they've had too much to drink (Beer)

Now: You don't want to be around some of your kids when they've had too much to drink (Soda)

Then: When the game ends you think "I'll stick around for a couple after the game. It's early."

Now: When the game ends you think: "If I leave right this minute, I can get exactly 6 hours of sleep. I'll be slow tomorrow, but I'm nuts like that."

Then: I love commercials with babes.

Now: I love commercials with monkeys.

Then: Great food, great beer, great friends, great time, great memories.

Now: Great food, great beer, great friends, great time, great memories.