Like A Hurricane

To Members Of The Local Media,

I'm so sorry. I didn't listen. Apparently, there was a "hurricane/tropical storm/whatever you call it" this weekend. But I thumbed my nose and refused to believe the hype. I was unprepared, I suffered and it was all my fault.

First, I went to do my shopping Friday but they were out of bread and water. It was traumatic, but I settled for Coke and Doritos. If I had heeded your warning, I would have taken care of the bread and water on Monday, when you first put everyone into a panic. My bad.

I was getting ready for a party Saturday night and it started to rain really hard. This rain punished the region for at least 60 long minutes. I was sure this was the "hurricane/tropical storm/whatever you call it" so I stayed home. I'm glad I didn't risk my life for shrimp the size of my femur and a free concert by Scott Weiland. Later, I saw friends posting pictures from the party and became concerned for their lives. I mean, didn't they know a "hurricane/tropical storm/whatever you call it" was happening? How could they eat, drink, and rock out while the world ended? I looked out the window to see if my yard was gone, and notice the rain had stopped. Wait, this wasn't the "hurricane/tropical storm/whatever you call it?" I should have listened to you, media. I would have known that Saturday night was going to be OK, and Sunday was the day I was going to meet my maker.

I awoke to a rainy, windy, dark Sunday morning. Thinking I was already living on borrowed time, I turned on my TV. You told me the worst was coming from noon 9pm. I felt now I could believe the hype. I kissed my family and braced for the end. Then, the power went out and I knew it was time to face my destiny. At 2pm, as the rain ended, the wind subsided, and the sky brightened, I felt alone. Without power, I couldn't come to you for the accurate information you had provided all week. I was helpless, just waiting to be told what to do. How could I live my life without interviews with people braving the storm? Without the witty banter? Without the warnings, without the fear, and without the non-stop swirly maps? I'm sorry I didn't listen. My weekend was ruined and it was all my own fault. And without power, I'd never know how long my power would be out. If I could only have the power back, I would listen to your every warning. Your every...hey the lights went on. Cool. Think I'll catch up on "Curb."

When Science and Music Collide

I love watching people, especially when it involves music.  Concerts are always an interesting people-watching place, but too many are drunk, so people-watching actually becomes dodging weavers, staggerers, and fighters.  But amusement parks are more family friendly.  They play music over the PA and you can see  (and hear) people singing songs they love.  And many times, the people don't match the song.  Try it.
Here are some sweeping observations about people I've seen reacting to music in public places.  (This is only as scientific as what I can assess while standing in ridiculously long lines.)

EVERYBODY sings along to Train's "Hey Soul Sister:" kids, parents, and beyond.  Love it or hate it, when this song comes on, everyone sings like they're trying out for a musical.

There are some women I don't want to see singing "Pour Some Sugar On Me." I get a picture in my head when I hear it, and it has nothing to do with people in line at the bumper cars.

There was only one guy singing along to REO Speedwagon's "Keep On Loving You." Actually he was the only person, male or female.

I didn't think anyone (except me) still knew the words to the "The Devil Went Down To Georgia."  But then again, I was in New Hampshire.

There sure are a lot of country songs that EVERYONE knows and I don't.  Oh well.  Instead of calling myself "unhip," I'll just call myself "avant garde."

I was definitely the only one singing Rush's "The Spirit Of Radio" and Phish's "Bouncing Around The Room."  And I didn't care if I get mentioned in a blog about 40-somethings who sing along to songs no one knows at amusement parks.

Hello, Larry

Please don't think any less of me, but I LOVE Curb Your Enthusiasm. Does that make me a bad person?
Am I going to Hell because I laugh at it, even though it's totally wrong?

I've spoken to quite a few people who "don't get" the show.  "It's not funny." "Everyone yells all the time."  I agree every line isn't funny.  Since it's improv (Larry and his writers provide an outline and the cast improvs the dialogue,) the comedy needs time to build.  But when it's funny, it's HILARIOUS (and did I mention wrong.)  And yes, they yell a lot.  If you were in any of these situations, you'd be yelling, too.

And the subjects...oh my.  It's the only show that finds comedy in a Girl Scout with a "girl problem," stereotyping lawyers of a certain persuasion, accusing a whole race of being thieves, going out with someone strictly because of enhanced body parts, trying to get out of going to a charity camp for kids, and the Israeli/Palestinian conflict (via a chicken restaurant.)  And those are just this seasons topics.  In the past there have been jokes about wheelchairs, 9-11, and other things you just don't joke about.  YOU don't joke about them...but THEY can somehow.  Larry (and the rest of them) say things you would never say.  But you might think them.  Maybe that's why it's so fun to watch.   

So go ahead and call me crass and mean for watching.  That's fine.  I'll just find some annoying habit you have and get Larry the "Social Assassin" to call you out on it.  And  I'll see you in Hell.

I Hate Tourists...Unless It's Me

I've always wanted to be a Park Ranger. There, I said it. Since vacation season is almost over, let me play Park Ranger and share a destination you should check out.  

It's perfect for families, couples, and even loners who hate people (which I might be if I wasn't part of a couple or didn't have a family.) It's cheap, beautiful, clean, and if you live in Massachusetts, it's not far away.
I'm talking about the Rose Kennedy Greenway in Boston.

As someone who works in Boston, I usually make fun of and/or am annoyed by tourists. But my family has been to Boston twice this summer doing the wicked tourist thing, and we've spent quality time on the Greenway. Everyone who spends any time in Boston should check it out.

Grass, trees, walking paths, water fountains, benches, art installations, statues, and a carousel now sit where the old elevated expressway once was. Gone are the steel girders and ramps that used to block the view of downtown, Faneuil Hall, or the North End (depending on where you are standing.)

I know what you're thinking: "Great, another crowded tourist trap." Not exactly true. There is plenty of room to move without people rubbing up against you like in the North End or Faneuil Hall. Walk (or bike) from the North End to South Station in a series of different parks, all connected. Relax while the traffic goes by you on both sides. Let the kids play in the water fountains. Grab some treats from Modern Pastry or Mike's Pastry (I'm not taking sides in THAT debate) and sit at the tables and people-watch.

Or stop by the booth to buy tickets to the Boston Harbor Islands (another treasure of this city.) Just look for the Park Ranger. He might even look like me. Hey, I can dream can't I? 

30 Years I'll Never Get Back

MTV turned 30 last week.  Wow. To me it only seems like 27 years ago, but whatever.  The tributes have been showing up everywhere.  I'm sure by now everyone has asked you your favorite video of all time (which is difficult to answer, but gun to my head, I'll take the Beastie Boys "Sabotage.")   My friend Crystal wrote a fairly comprehensive overview of MTV that you can read here.  Might as well jump into the hype pile....

The first hour of MTV's programming was re-broadcast on VH1 Classic and not MTV.  Kind of funny.  For years, the joke about MTV has been that don't play any "M" (music.)   Now, it appears that they don't even care about their own anniversary.    

Of course, because it is 2011, not 1981, I didn't really watch the WHOLE hour.  I DVR'd it and fast forwarded through the crappy videos (and there were plenty of them.)   Imagine how many hours of our lives we'd have back if we could have done that.   I might have even had a girlfriend in junior high if we had this feature.  Might have.

Commercials were much more fun in 1981.  They all seemed like :30 second musicals. I mean, a marching band singing about sugar-free gum that squirts?  Genius!  I firmly believe that if we lived our lives like commercials in the 80's, we wouldn't have any worries. 

More things I realized watching MTV:
-Duran Duran would have never existed without MTV.  Period.
-Mick Jagger was the worst lip syncher of all-time.
-They sure made a big deal about stereo back then.  Now we compress our music so much, it doesn't matter.
-Not everyone ages well (sorry, Nina Blackwood)
-Many videos were just some guy (usually British) dancing in too-tight pants with swooshy dissovles and double images added for effects.  And I watched it.  And I liked it. 
-Man landed on the moon every hour at the top of the hour.

Happy Birthday, MTV.  I can't wait for Beavis and Butthead to return this Fall (for reals.)

The Return Of The Son Of Mr. Sunshine Part 3

There's a sequel for everything, so here's a sequel to one of my previous blogs (which you really responded to...thank you.)  Mr. Sunshine is Back.

Let's reset the premise.  I love all people.  Except people who annoy me.  Like these people:

The woman at work that doesn't make eye contact with me. Humor me and say "hi" when we pass each other in the hall instead of looking up in the air like a UFO is coming down on us.   Don't worry, I don't want to be your friend and I'm not gunning for your job.  I just think we should all be civil, friendly, and have fun at work.  Stop posing like the Heisman trophy every time I walk by.  

The parent at kids sporting events who never stops talking.  Ever.  Look, no one likes to talk more than I do.  But even I know when to stop.   Sometimes quite by accident, I learn more about complete strangers than I know about my own wife. And they're not even talking to me.  Unsolicited tip:  If you insist on talking loudly and constantly while other people are trying to watch a game, at least move into the same zip code as the person you're talking to.  Don't yell across rows of people.

The guy at work who walks up and down the hall talking on his cell phone. How can I put this politely?  You're annoying.  Not because you're on the phone in the hallway. Because you're not talking about work (unless your job description now has you going to parties.) Do us all a favor--go back to your cubicle.  Or if you're afraid of your boss hearing (which is probably why you're in the hallway in the first place,) go to your car. Just get out of the hall so we can work and not have to hear stories about how many keg stands your buddy did.

Guy sleeping on my shoulder on the train. Tired? Me too! We all work hard on very little sleep. But the differencebetween us is I would NEVER rest my head on a stranger on the train.  That's creepy, rude and not very hygienic.  To be honest, sir, you don't know where my shoulder's been.

And while I'm on the train...Guy who crowbars himself in front of me and my seat for 2 stops before he gets off.  He moves up the isle, rubs against me, and eclipses any light from my general areal.  And for what? To get off the train before 3 other people do to save .8 seconds. Here's an idea:  When the train gets to your stop, simply let the people in front of you get off, then follow them in a line, leaving ample space for people to breathe, move, and not have to think about ways they wish you would trip and break your ankle.

Well, it looks like a nice day.  I think I'll go out, breathe some fresh air and take a train ride to work.  What could go wrong?