Hostess With The Mostess

Much has been written about The Great Twinkie Meltdown. Families have been ripped apart, careers have been ruined, dreams have been crushed. But the Twinkie is only one of the life-changing morsels Hostess makes. Before these revolutions in baking go the way of Zayre and Lechmere (for my Massachusetts peeps,) let's weigh-in (so to speak.)

Twinkies: It goes without saying these are awesome. No homemade cake ever tasted quite like these (not sure if that's good or bad.) And those holes on the bottom were marvels of modern science.


Blueberry Pies. For people who love that blueberry taste without the pesky antioxidants, plus a translucent frosting. This "fruit" pie has successfully stomped the blueberry of any of its original nutritional value.


Powdered Mini Donuts. One of my High School friends ate these with Andy Capp Hot Fries and Mountain Dew for breakfast every Saturday. What could possibly go wrong?



Chocolate Cupcakes: Not to be outdone by my friend above, a guy I worked with at Smith & Wesson had these cupcakes and a Coke for breakfast every DAY. And it was bad times if the vending machine was out of cupcakes. (I mentioned this was at Smith & Wesson, right?)



Snoballs. Take fake cake and add fake coconut. Such a deal.

I bid you farewell, Hostess. And if you're in the unemployment line and see a magician wearing a cape, holding a wand in one hand and baked goods in the other, please be kind to him.

Donuts...Is There Anything They Can't Do?

Today is Donut Day, and Dunkin' Donuts is giving away a free donut with purchase of a beverage. (What if they didn't require the beverage purchase? Would it really cause THAT much chaos and financial ruin? Just wondering.) Order me a delicious chocolate glazed donut. Then order me some therapy. Because as much they look and taste delicious, donuts are some of the most troubling food known to man.  Is there anything less fulfilling than donuts? Not just nutritiously. Follow me here: One donut doesn't fill you up, but the guilt associated with having just one donut is so crushing, you could never even attempt a 2nd.

When I walk by a box of donuts, they suddenly come alive and call my name. I walk over, stare at them, and look around nervously like a bank heist lookout guy. When I think no one sees me, I make the grab and walk away all cool.  Then, I devour it in plain sight, totally negating all the clandestine activity that preceded it.  For a few seconds, joy overtakes my senses.  Sweet glaze and chocolate fill my veins and life is good.  I begin to think Dunkin Donuts can change life as we know it. War Is Over.  Imagine.  Forever we can celebrate the power of donuts every year on donut day.  I dream of all the children of the world exchanging honey-dipped sticks under the donut tree

Then, the sugar high begins to wear off.  Oh no.  What have I done?  Did I just devour a pile of deep fried dough and 10,000 grams of sugar?  Yep.  Now I remember the walk of shame away from a donut box feels like walking away from a bloody crime scene. A crime scene I created.  

So Happy Donut Day.  I'll be eating my salad. 

It Happened In Chicopee (A Sequel)

About a year ago, I wrote a blog containing true stories about growing up in Chicopee.  Here are some more. 

Parenting moment: My friend, Dan was doing something completely inappropriate, while his Dad, Fran, read the paper, totally oblivious to anything. His Mom says: "Fran, will you tell him to knock it off?" Dad (Fran) says, without ever looking up from his newspaper and with cigarette dangling from his mouth, "Danny, knock it off!"

A friend was passed out under his seat at the Worcester Centrum during the Firm concert (for those who don't remember, The Firm was a "super group" that included Jimmy Page and Paul Rogers.) A random stranger grabs my shoulder and says "You gotta wake him. He's missing history."

A friend is laying on top of a car with his arm hanging down over the open door (don't ask.) Another friend gets in the car and closes car door, right on the hand. Later, after screaming subsides, friend with hurt hand says "I'm not sure if I'll ever play guitar again." Friend who closed door, says "That sucks, dude. Can I have your guitar?"

A friend decides he doesn't need to bring any footwear at all on a multiple-night trip to Hampton Beach. We walk into a restaurant and say "Table for 4." Hostess says: "He can't come in without shoes." Friend with car says: "Table for 3" points to the shoeless friend, and says "Meet you at the car."

Legendary friend (mentioned previously somewhere above) describing a body part to a female. "It might be short, but it's as fat as a beer can."

Me and 3 friends get into the Z-28 (of course) of a guy 3 years older than us. He turns from the driver's seat and says: "Hey, you guys like Ratt?" Us: "Yeah, sure." Him "Well, Ratt and Roll you F&*@ ers" and turns on "Round and Round" full blast.

High school friend asks his 6-year-old brother to bring him a beverage. Brother comes back with a Diet Sprite. Friend says: "Kurt. This beverage is of absolutely no use to me. No sugar, no caffeine, no alcohol. Useless."

Hanging with a guy way older than I should be hanging with. He describes first hearing Guns & Roses "Appetite For Destruction. "Man, that is real music. Swearing and everything."

It's getting harder to remember these as I get older, so don't be surprised if I ask for your help remembering more someday.

It's Boss Time!

Part rock concert, part soul revue, part church service, part memorial service, part political message, part party.  That's a Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band concert.  All those elements were on display last night at the Garden as Bruce and his band played an exhausting, nearly three hour show.

This was a well-balanced show featuring "must play" hits (Born To Run, Dancing In The Dark, Thunder Road) deep/fan favorite cuts (Thundercrack, Jackson Cage, Promised Land) new songs (Wrecking Ball, We Take Care of Our Own, Jack Of All Trades) soul covers (The Way You Do The Things You Do, 634-5789) politically/socially conscious messages (41 Shots/American Skin, My City Of Ruins, The Rising) and an encore R&B guest shot by Peter Wolf of the J. Geils Band (Raise Your Hand.)

Let's face it, new stuff is usually the weak part of any concert (Beer line! Bathroom break!) But since 2001, Bruce has finely and successfully weaved his current material into the set list along side the hits. This expanded band (up to 17 at times, including background singers, a horn section, and a percussionist) played these songs with a new musical depth and dimension not reached on previous tours. It's all about pacing. Just when you feel it might be slowing down or getting unfamiliar, they rear back and grab you with a lights-on yell/sing along you can't help pumping your fist to.

What about the elephant in the room? How to deal with the recent loss of sax player, minister of soul, and "The Big Man" Clarence Clemons?  The answer was a horn section, including Clarence's nephew, Jake on sax.  A brilliant move.  One person could never replace Clarence, so why try? Bruce made references to him (and previously lost keyboardist Danny Federici) throughout the show without naming them. During band roll call he called out "Are we missing anyone?" If we're here, and you're here, then they're here." And when he sang the line "The Big Man joined the band" during "Tenth Avenue Freeze Out," he stopped the band for a 2-minute, lights-on deafening audience cheer for Clarence. Pumping his heart, Bruce looked moved as his loving friend looked down on us all.

Other random fun things Bruce did: In darkness delivered a hilarious carnival barker/house announcer intro to the show; crowd surfed back to the main stage after doing some songs on a mini stage at half-arena; told a 17 year old that a song he requested was 3 times as old as he was; made fun of the fact that he couldn't sing anything like Smokey Robinson; gave the mic to some women to sing along to; and told us we'd go home with sore feet, sore hands, and a sore throat. We did. And it was good.

A Review Of A Concert By The Black Keys

This is a review of a concert at the Garden by The Black Keys.  I very much enjoyed this concert by the
Black Keys.

I was impressed at the styles of music played by the Black Keys.  Led Zeppelin, Grand Funk Railroad, and the White Stripes were a few bands whose styles I saw and heard in the Black Keys.  I'm sure these comparisons might not please the Black Keys.  I'm sure they feel like the only band they sound like is the Black Keys.

Sometimes there were 4 musicians onstage, other times there were just The Black Keys, Dan and Patrick.
Patrick is the drummer in the Black Keys.  He's tall and pounds the drums with arms crossed and a primal force.   Dan is the guitarist and singer in the Black Keys.  He plays heavy, bluesy riffs and solos while singing tight 3-and-a-half minute rocking Black  Keys songs. Together, the Black Keys played a very raw, emotional, and powerful 90-minute concert.

I was impressed that the Garden was sold out with almost 19,000 people who came to see Black Keys.
There sure was a lot of funny smelling smoke in the arena while the Black Keys played.  I was surprised because I didn't think those people went to see the Black Keys.

Sometimes I felt the Black Keys ended some songs when they could have gone on longer and rocked even harder.  Maybe that's the simplicity and power of the Black Keys. I'm glad to see the world has another band that knows how to "arena rock."   The name of that band is the Black Keys.

Diary Of A Snow Day

If my kids wrote a diary of a snow day, it might look something like this...

Night before snow storm:
6:00pm-Watched TV news with my parents.  Wow, these news people sure are funny.  They have reporters all over the state standing around in the rain.  But I guess when you're an adult, you come to appreciate this kind of hard-hitting journalism. 

8:30pm-Tried lobbying my parents to stay up later since we'd have no school.  No dice.  They shot us down for 2 reasons:  1)  There was only two inches so far and snow days are never a sure thing until they're official.    2)  They were getting ready to watch Modern Family starring Sofia Vergara.  I thought she just did commercials.

6:30am-I came downstairs and my Dad was working at the kitchen table (if you call what he does work.) He told me it was a snow day.  I pumped my fist and said "yes!!!"  I told him my friend Justin had just won a $10 bet to one of his teachers about the snow.  He seemed to wonder if the teacher would really pay Justin.

8:30am-Time to get out and enjoy the snow.  There's so much to do.  Shoveling, building a sled ramp, throwing snowballs, riding my bike into massive snowbanks, catching snowflakes on my tongue, building a snow fort, and riding my scooter into massive snowbanks.

8:35am-I'm bored. I think I'll see if my friend wants to join me. 

8:36am-(All with my friend) Time to get out and enjoy the snow.  There's so much to do.  Shoveling, building a sled ramp, throwing snowballs, riding my bike into massive snowbanks, catching snowflakes on my tongue, building a snow fort, and riding my scooter into massive snowbanks. 

12 Noon-Lunch with friends from the neighborhood.  Today's menu: 6 bowls of Macaroni and cheese and hot chocolate, plus whatever everyone else is having.  One of my friends comments about how great it is to sit, relax, and enjoy a hot fresh meal and conversation with friends. School lunches are so rushed.  This is more like it.  Wow, sometimes I wonder if we're kids or adults.  That seems kind of wise beyond our years.

1pm-Back to doing stuff outside. Mom helps my friends and I shovel the driveway so my Dad can relax when he gets home.  And by relax, I mean fall asleep at 7pm becasue he's up so early working, blogging, and whatever else he does.

2:30pm-Baking chocolate brownie/peanut butter cookies with Mom.  There's math involved, so at least I'm getting some education and I don't feel bad about missing school.

6pm-Dad's home.  He says "Wow, that's great.  You guys already have your pajammas on."  We tell Dad that we've had them on all day.  That's the unwritten law of a snow day.

7pm-Time to wind down for the night with some TV watching as a family.  Hey, there's that Sofia Vergara lady in a commercial again. 

Snow days rule.

ABB (Anybody but Billy)

Billy Crystal is hosting the Oscars. Yawn. Obviously, he gets ratings or they wouldn't have him back. But count me in the minority of people who like their entertainment a little edgier and a little more honest.

And by honest I mean, c'mon, let's be honest: Anyone at the Oscars is lucky to be there. Sure, acting is tough work and a serious craft, but anyone who does it for a living should understand the privilege of getting gobs of money and fame for it. An awards show should celebrate the hard work of making movies. Key word: celebrate. Read: Have fun. Stop being so serious at the show. It's a party.

Sure, Billy Crystal's opening sequences are the stuff of legends. But after that, it's back to vanilla vaudeville jokes. The Oscars I loved featured people like David Letterman (Uma-Oprah,)  Steve Martin (Everyone here is gay,) Steve Martin with Alec Baldwin, Ellen DeGeneres, Jon Stewart, and Chris Rock.

People with a little more depth, a little more edge, and yes, people that aren't so serious.  Maybe some of their jokes made a few people uncomfortable, but they were funny.  They were entertaining...and they were JOKES.  Tell the actors and actresses who got upset to go home and cry on their bags of money.  And let us peasants be entertained between self-indulgent speeches instead of hearing jokes out of a yard sale joke book.

So, dear Oscar, for your consideration, next year give us ABB (anybody but Billy)  And maybe not James Franco and Anne Hathaway, either.

Confessions of A Sick Mind

Are you a cruise person? I've recently been back and forth with a couple people about cruises. I'm not a cruise person. Another recent outbreak of the norovirus, the Italian cruise ship disaster, and wanting to be AWAY from people on vacation rather than sitting at the buffet with them for a week and a half keeps me from going on a cruise. And I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

It got me to thinking about other things I've never done...and don't really regret.

Well, I never....

Saw Top Gun. I came of age in the 80's and missed this movie? How did this happen? Not sure, but I've made it this far and seem to be fine. And maybe I'm just not that excited about seeing Tom Cruise and the Lewis from Revenge Of The Nerds doing a duet.

Watched an entire episode of American Idol. Even Steven Tyler (very cool) and J-Lo (easy on the eyes) isn't sealing the deal for me. But if Ryan Seacrest wants to hire me as a writer for his new TV empire, I would let his people talk to mine.

Liked Fraiser. Seriously. As soon as they took him out of the bar, he was annoying and not funny. If I want an old show about a radio station that's actually funny, I'll take WKRP, thank you. (Don't ask me why I bring up either of these shows in 2012.)

Went To Vegas. It looks fun in the Hangover and Oceans 11, 12, 13 and 99, but I'd be nervous it would end up like in Casino or 21. Maybe I'll go someday, but my list has other places I'd rather see first. And if I want to inhale that much smoke, I'll go to Europe. The landscape is nicer there.



Played Golf. I know, right? Don't get me wrong. I love walking, drinking all day and breathing fresh air. I just like doing it on my own time. I know some people use golf to get away from their family for a few hours, but I happen to love spending time with my family.  Just not in a buffet line at sea. 

A Super Bowl Watcher Looks At 43

                             Observations of a 43 year-old Super Bowl watcher. Then and Now.

Ouch.  I'm too old for this.

Then: About 20 people (mostly dudes) drinking lots of beer, and having some chips.

Now: About 10 Moms and Dads eating lots of food, and barely having room to choke down a beer.

Then: Floor in front of TV is full of coolers.

Now: Floor in front of TV is full of kids spread out on pillows and blankets.

Then: Spent a week's pay on pre-game poker games, squares pools, and bets with some guy's uncle's friend who knows a guy (whom you never meet.)

Now: Spent $10 on a square pool and showing your kids the glamour of losing your money in a completely random system.

Then: The halftime show was Bud Bowl, one of the biggest phenomenons of 1987.

Now: The halftime show was Madonna, one of the biggest phenomenons of 1987.

Then: You don't want to be around some of your friends when they've had too much to drink (Beer)

Now: You don't want to be around some of your kids when they've had too much to drink (Soda)

Then: When the game ends you think "I'll stick around for a couple after the game. It's early."

Now: When the game ends you think: "If I leave right this minute, I can get exactly 6 hours of sleep. I'll be slow tomorrow, but I'm nuts like that."

Then: I love commercials with babes.

Now: I love commercials with monkeys.

Then: Great food, great beer, great friends, great time, great memories.

Now: Great food, great beer, great friends, great time, great memories.

Real Men Of Genius

Remember those awesome Bud Light radio commercials that sang about "Real Men Of

Genius?" 

Here's one going out to my friends and neighbors in Westborough.   Luckily for you, I'm not singing it, I just wrote it. So sing along to this. (and thanks to Michael Coughlin for letting me use his picture.)

Ken West salutes Real Men Of Genius

(Sung:) Real Men Of Genius

Today we salute you, Mr. Hockey Rink In Your Backyard.

(Sung:) Mr. Hockey Rink In Your Backyard

Armed with wood, plastic, and 10,000 gallons of town water, you build your version of the miracle on ice.

(Sung: ) All we need is a Zamboni

And when it snows, after an hour of back-breaking in the driveway, you gotta clear the rink before it freezes.

(Sung:) Who's got a crane to lift my snowblower over the wall?

And if the temperature rises above 32 degrees? The whole neighborhood is sad to see what looks like a pool that should have been closed a month ago.

(Sung:) Stupid Global warming

So, Mr. Hockey Rink In Your Backyard, grab your skates, a stick, a puck and enjoy all your hard work, I'll be drinking something warm inside.

(Sung:) Mr. Hockey Rink In Your Backyard

Ken West blogs, Westborough, USA.

Disclaimer: This is not a slam. It's supposed to be fun. I'm in awe of these guys, I'm just glad I don't have to do it.

May You Stay Forever Lazy

Happy 2012!!  According to "them," this is the year the world ends. I don't know who "them" refers to, and if you read this blog regularly, you know I'm not going to research it. I'm not sure I believe "them," but if the world ends, I'd like to see it. Then, in the afterlife, I could try to one-up the dinosaurs about whose demise was more spectacular.

Although we'll never know until it comes, I think the end is actually closer than we think. Why? Well, for one, the Forever Lazy  (click the link to watch.) For those who thought the "snuggie" was too stylish, we have this ridiculous thing. Seriously, when I first saw this commercial, I thought it was an SNL sketch. But it's only 2 minutes long, about 9 minutes too short to be an SNL sketch.

To my friends and family: If you ever see me wearing one of these, please alert the authorities. "They've" obviously given me a Charlton Heston "Planet Of The Apes" brain slice and put this on me. And seriously, if everyone was like all the people in this commercial, don't we deserve to have the world end?

Have a great 2012, if "they" let you.