Today is Donut Day, and Dunkin' Donuts is giving away a free donut with purchase of a beverage. (What if they didn't require the beverage purchase? Would it really cause THAT much chaos and financial ruin? Just wondering.) Order me a delicious chocolate glazed donut. Then order me some therapy. Because as much they look and taste delicious, donuts are some of the most troubling food known to man. Is there anything less fulfilling than donuts? Not just nutritiously. Follow me here: One donut doesn't fill you up, but the guilt associated with having just one donut is so crushing, you could never even attempt a 2nd.
When I walk by a box of donuts, they suddenly come alive and call my name. I walk over, stare at them, and look around nervously like a bank heist lookout guy. When I think no one sees me, I make the grab and walk away all cool. Then, I devour it in plain sight, totally negating all the clandestine activity that preceded it. For a few seconds, joy overtakes my senses. Sweet glaze and chocolate fill my veins and life is good. I begin to think Dunkin Donuts can change life as we know it. War Is Over. Imagine. Forever we can celebrate the power of donuts every year on donut day. I dream of all the children of the world exchanging honey-dipped sticks under the donut tree
Then, the sugar high begins to wear off. Oh no. What have I done? Did I just devour a pile of deep fried dough and 10,000 grams of sugar? Yep. Now I remember the walk of shame away from a donut box feels like walking away from a bloody crime scene. A crime scene I created.
So Happy Donut Day. I'll be eating my salad.
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